


Green Packing Peanuts

by YamiTami



Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: Gen, M/M, i have no idea what to tag this, so many apostrophes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-22
Updated: 2014-02-22
Packaged: 2018-01-13 08:32:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1219591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YamiTami/pseuds/YamiTami
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sequel to <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/214718">Yellow Blankets</a>. Spy has a conversation with Scout.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Green Packing Peanuts

**Author's Note:**

> I thought that it would be easier to do heavier dialect with more proper grammar and I was wrong.

And a fine ‘ello to you as well. If I ‘ad known I would ‘ave to suffer your constipated face ze moment I walked in ze room I might ‘ave simply stayed away tonight.

Yes, I am aware zat I am late. Well, per’aps if you gave me a moment I would explain, no?

As you know, weeks ago Soldier ‘ad declared it necessary zat we patrol ze base every night. As you also know ze man is quite insane, and each company’s penalties for breaking ze nightly ceasefire are severe enough to ensure zat both RED and BLU remain tucked away until ze bell rings in ze morning, but far be it from me to begrudge ze simpleton ‘is paranoia. Particularly not when said simpleton is waving ‘is blood splattered shovel about with zat particular fervor he carries with such skill. It is not, as you say, ‘ _cheese-legged_ ‘ to perform a simple task in order to avoid an unnecessary confrontation with one’s allies. It ‘as been no great inconvenience—just a stroll about the sections of the base I ‘ad claimed as mine to patrol—and if a member of ze enemy army were foolish enough to consider attacking at night zen the sight of regular patrols should be enough to dissuade zem. So, since it is an easy zing, I did allow myself to be roped into Soldier’s patrols. Unlike _you_ , my cheese-legged friend, who absconded at ze first sign zat ze madman had somezzing cooking in ‘is empty ‘elmet.

‘Owever, zat is beside ze point.

I made my leisurely way through ze dim corridor—good for me, I think, after a day spent darting about like an overly caffeinated squirrel—tapping a fresh pack of cigarettes against my sleeve as I dutifully made my rounds. The quiet tap-tap-tap mad by the box and my woolen suit was ze only sound as my footsteps were, of course, completely silent. My realization came between ze pantry—or at least, ze cavernous box holding more preserved and canned zings zan should ever be gathered togezzer in one place—and ze ammo room. The realization zat I was not—

Will you ‘old your tongue, s’il vous plaît? Do you wish to ‘ear zis story or do you not? I do not take too long in ze telling; I take precisely ze right amount of time, you unimaginative cretin. Now zen, if you would allow, may I continue?

 _Merci bien_.

As I was _saying_ , it was at zat moment zat I realized I was not alone. Beneath ze soft sound caused by ze act of packing my cigarettes I ‘eard a quiet set of footfalls. I did not falter in my movements, of course, and continued down ze corridor as if still oblivious, lulling my pursuer into a false sense of security. I furzzer encouraged zis notion by stepping into one of ze odds and ends storage rooms—one of the small ones filled primarily with scraps of boxes, pallets, and cushioning materials, you know—and thoroughly checking ze dark corners for listening devices and cloaked enemy spies. Ze follower, who by zis point was sure I did not notice their presence, ‘snuck’ into ze room while my back was turned. I bided my time, ‘umming over a bit of cobweb I was ‘convinced’ was a listening device, while zey lingered in ze arch. Finally, their foolishness won out over sense and zey removed zemselves from a clear path to ze doorway.

Zen, with ze speed of a cobra, I spun about and struck. With deadly grace and efficiency I took hold of their shirt even as I flicked open my trusty blade with my off ‘and. In a smooth motion I pulled them further into ze room and flung them onto a sizeable mound of spent packaging. As soon as my ‘and left ze fabric of their shirt I reached for my pistol, which was trained solidly on their forehead even before zey had fully fallen. Ze impact sent a flurry of... oh, what are zey called? Small, foamy bits designed to absorb—ah, oui. Ze impact sent up a miniature snow of packing peanuts colored a shade of green just to ze side of mint. Zes peanuts settled on my pursuer’s legs and chest with one landing quite comically on top of their head.

Hush. I can tell from ze look in your eye you are not annoyed. You _love_ it when I tease.

Of course, my actions to this point had been performed while unable to see zem, and while we were spinning and falling I was paying more attention to where ze vital organs were zan to ze shape of ze face I was pointing a bullet at. So, it was only as that comical peanut came to rest zat I realized exactly who it was I had caught.

No, I did not paint ze room with blood. Besides, splatter is more your area; if I had spilled blood then I would be painting ze floor with a slit throat or ze like. No, as it happened zis ‘intruder’ was in fact a member of _our_ team. Care to guess who?

... I am _offended_ zat you would dare suggest zat ze _Demoman_ would ever have a prayer of sneaking up on me. Non, I will not tell you after you insult me so! Do not pretend you do not wish to know, you—stop zat—you uneducated... you are a...

Zat is an under’anded maneuver.

I will _not_ be swayed.

If you do not remove your mouth from my wrist—

Mmmmm...

Incorrigible bastard. Slowly, if you please; we actually have time tonight, and I intend to enjoy it.

Now then, as you ‘ave completely ruined ze suspense I ‘ad so carefully crafted for _your_ benefit, I will reveal their identity with no further flourish. I am not a drama queen, I merely—it was Scout, and why I put up with you I will never know.

What do you mean, ‘what do you mean’? You are often a greater irritation zan you are worth. Yes, yes, I know what you were actually referring too—no, the child did not ‘get ze best of me’. ‘E did a far sight better zan _Demo_ could ‘ave ever attempted, but zis does not mean I was not aware of Scout’s presence long before ‘e came close enough to lay ‘ands on me. It would ‘ave been ze same if it ‘ad been an enemy breaking ceasefire. What—oh, either by accident or design ‘e chose to follow me in stocking feet, and zere is a considerable difference in noise when one carefully shuffles along in socks versus running about on concrete while wearing metal cleats. Thus ‘ow ‘e was able to get as close as ‘e did without my noticing, in spite of ‘is usual state being zat of a one man ‘erd of thundering elephants.

Naturally, after recognizing ze face I remained suspicious, particularly given ze boy’s usual stampede demeanor. ‘E ‘ad a look on ‘is face zat spoke of fear for ‘is life and zat ‘e was realizing ‘ow very far out of ‘is depth ‘e was. Zis was in character for ‘im, but my opposite could well know zat as well. ‘E seemed to realize exactly what ze situation looked like and put ‘is ‘ands up in submissive surrender, declaring ‘imself to truly be Scout and to please not kill ‘im—with poorer grammar and a great deal more swearing, of course. With annoyance, I rattled off a random selection of our spy-check questions, as is protocol, and ‘e answered zem all correctly. Zen I asked one off ze books, one I knew ze enemy would be more likely to know zan our own dear oblivious bat-swinging child. ‘E answered zat I was going off script and zat we ‘fuckers’ never tell ‘im such, where ze enemy spy would ‘ave likely answered correctly and thus been proven false. I was convinced enough to kneel down and touch ‘is shoulder and face to be sure ze form I felt matched ze one I saw, which it did.

Oui, zat is the question to be answered now, is it not? Why Scout would follow me down a dim ‘allway and put ‘imself in such danger of finding ‘imself with a slit throat? After informing the boy of ze precise level of ‘is idiocy, zat is ze question I asked ‘im. With ze immediate threat of my steel and lead on ze shelf for ze moment ‘e was similarly able to table ‘is fear and regain ‘is usual defiance. To a degree, at least, ‘e did ‘ave sense enough to remain on ze ground in ‘is pile of packaging material even after I once again stood. What was intriguing was ze degree of nervousness poorly concealed under ze brashness, some of which was due to nearly dying moments before. ‘Owever, for all we ze rest of the team needle ze boy for being young and soft, ‘e does go leaping through explosions, shrapnel, and flying bullets every day. ‘E is not so weak, and with my declaration zat I believed ‘e was in fact one of us most of ze lingering instinctive survival fear should ‘ave left ‘im. And it ‘ad; zis was somezzing else, I was sure.

It was not until I asked ze question of ‘is intent multiple times and ‘e ‘ad finally spoken in somezzing louder than a mumble zat I realized what I was seeing was less fear and more ze picture of acute nervousness and embarrassment. ‘Is answer was zat ‘e wanted to talk to me about somezzing. About what? Well... zis might take a little backstory for ze story to fully make sense. You see, there was a previous accident during which ze boy learned somezzing about me and I somezzing about ‘im and—

I do resent ze look you are giving me, convict. And what makes you so sure you are going to be ‘pissing mad’ when I tell you of what I speak? I ‘ad not told you previously as I ‘ad dealt with it. I ‘ad everyzzing well in ‘and, and I _still_ ‘ave everyzzing in ‘and. Ze delicate manipulation required was already ‘ampered by ze fact zat Scout was involved; God only knows what a mess it would ‘ave been if you ‘ad been involved as well. I _mean_ zat you are generally a calm man as your profession requires but when passion does move you zen you make up for all those long days spent still. Subtlety was required, not ze threat of an overpowered round at close range.

You are enraged and you do not even know what it is I ‘ave kept from you! Le cerveau il etait en option chez toi! Acting surprised zat I kept zis hidden when _zis_ is your reaction. Ze secret—which you still ‘ave not given me breath to say—’as remained a secret! Zis was achieved through my variety of threats and charm and certainly would not ‘ave ‘appened if your reaction at ze time ‘ad been zis, imbécile. I am not your kept pet, your _putain_ , and you do not control me. Is zis really ‘ow you think of me? Tu es fou!

Do _not_ touch me. _Non_. Not until you decide to recover your senses and actually listen to what I ‘ave to say.

...

Do you truly believe I would keep somezzing hidden if I did not ‘ave good reason?

...

Neither of us is particularly practiced in zis ‘talking’ zing, no.

Mmmm.

...

Mon amour, I believe I will only kiss you again once you ‘ave earned it by listening to ze rest of my story. Do not pretend zat you do not enjoy it when I keep you waiting. Everyzzing is all ze sweeter if it is savored, is it not?

Now zen, ze zing you need to know for zis to make sense... I _was_ going to tell you a few days after it ‘appened, I will ‘ave you know. Once I knew where zings stood, ‘ow ze boy would react... but zen as is usually ze case with life a few zings got in ze way. Excepting zat when people say zat it usually refers to a broken down car or ze roof of ze attic falling in, and with we assassins it means a great deal of blood loss. Ze laborer caught ze bad side of a grenade, you remember, and in ze process of removing ‘im from ze line of fire ze mad doctor came down with a mild case of lead poisoning in ‘is leg. With Engineer completely out of commission for two days and Medic ‘iding ‘is limp it was all we could do to defend, as you remember.

Ze problem with zat is zat if ze other team realizes it is all we can do to defend zen zey will leap upon our weakness as a pack of hungry wolves would an injured baby deer. So we ‘ad to pretend zat zings were normal. Engineer ‘ad to drag ‘is screaming body about ze base pretending to work on fortifications, Medic ‘ad to give ‘imself injections of painkillers so ‘e could still run about ze field tending to us while ze weight of ‘is pack bore down on ‘is injury, and zat is why I still made ‘alf serious attempts at ze enemy’s intelligence. Scout proved ‘imself less useless zan my original estimate as well. It was... why am I explaining zis to you? It is not as though you were not there, watching us struggle through ze scope. Do not think I did not notice how you racked up fewer impressive shots during zis time; you were too busy keeping a close eye on ze rest of us. 

And zen... at ze least I waited until our father of ze turrets was nearly healed before I decided to nearly drown in ze canal and my own blood. Très prévenant. We never discussed it, aside from you calling me an idiot when I finally woke, but I gathered zat you saw it ‘appen. It is good ze obnoxious boy’s boasting is less of a boast and more a case of justified arrogance when it comes to ‘is speed, no? And you are ze one who called ‘im to me—don’t try to deny it as I know you will.

Why? We may as well fit all ze odd and ends into zis conversation while we are both already uncomfortable.

What I mean to say is... _merci_.

So zat is why you are only ‘earing of zis now. Once ze bad timing was over with I did not know ze best way to bring it up.

Oui. _Yes_ , I am aware. I only dally in revealing ze big secret because I am not yet sure if you will react calmly. It is no great zing but you are always blowing ze small zings out of proportion. Yes, you are. Hmph, I may be the dramatic one of we two when it comes to our actions but you are far more difficult that I could ever hope to be when you are sufficiently riled. You are. I am charming and you are impossible, zis is simple fact and cannot be disputed.

In any case... ze boy was in the mound of green foam bits, I stood over ‘im with my weapons lowered but still in ‘and, and I asked ‘im why ‘e thought it was a good idea to try to spy on ze Spy. ‘Is answer... well, you see, it ‘as to do with zat time right before ze string of injuries. You remember, ze last time we ‘ad our little tryst down in ze storerooms? Oui, I did say we should change ze location of our carnal rendezvous after zat. Would you like to guess... pour l’amour de Dieu, calmez-vouz! Do not insult me. If I thought zere was a danger of ze boy opening ‘is mouth about us then ‘e would ‘ave stopped breathing a long time ago.

I did not realize ‘e was zere until ze end of it. Oh, so it is only my job to check ze corners? It is not as though you are not an old ‘at at zis game. You know as well as I to secure an area before you set to roost. So do not lecture me on proper practices, convict. Usually I do take ze task as my own but as I recall _you_ are ze one who had me exceptionally distracted. Somezing about ‘ow long it ‘ad been since you’d laid ‘ands on me? If you ‘ad deemed to ‘old off on growling zings in my ear which as always were as crude as zey were effective zen perhaps I would ‘ave thought to rummage through ze crates. Oui, zat is where ‘e was ‘iding. No, I do not think so. Scout didn’t plan to catch us; ‘e only ‘appened to poke around ze storeroom in ‘is boredom at ze same time we ‘ad our ‘meeting’.

Hmm? Why is ‘e alive? To begin I was not nearly so cross as I might ‘ave been given how... _thoroughly_ you ‘ad distracted me minutes before ze confrontation. Hah, you speak as though you ‘ave any place being ‘urt at ze thought of someone watching you. Of course I waited until you ‘ad gone; while you would ‘ave done a fantastic job of terrifying ze boy it would ‘ave been unnecessary as I am also fully capable of inspiring such fear in my own way. It would not ‘ave taken both of us to kill ze boy had ze situation called for it and, well, let us just say zat ze way ‘e gave ‘imself away was _interesting_.

What I mean is zat I came upon a case of mutual blackmail. ‘E may ‘ave found ‘imself with somezing on ze two of us but in ze process I discovered a very interesting tidbit about ‘im. Given zat we outnumber ‘im, ‘e knows we can outmaneuver ‘im, and ze playing field is leveled with secrets being revealed on both fronts... zis is my—it is not long and drawn out—way of telling you zat ze boy did not find what ‘e saw to be distasteful. In fact, it would seem ‘e rather enjoyed it.

Je sais! I must say I am somewhat impressed with ze boy. While I knew zat ‘e was lying about all ze girls ‘e ‘ad been with I ‘ad assumed zat it was just to cover ‘is embarrassment over never ‘aving been with one. All ze men ‘ere assumed zis, I think. But as it would seem ‘e was ‘iding ze fact zat ‘e ‘as no interest in sex with ze curvier sex. ‘E did quite a good job, I ‘ave to admit. It wasn’t until ‘e reached ‘is climax just before we reached ours zat I ‘ad any idea.

So zen I put fear in ‘is ‘eart and watched ‘im closely for ze next few weeks. I was worried ‘e would find it difficult to keep ‘is mouth shut, but it would seem that for all ‘is youthful foolishness ‘e can be clever, on occasion. Do you recall zat time ‘e fell down a pit with ze enemy soldier? I passed near when I returned with ze intelligence and ‘eard ‘im telling ze story to ze corpse. I was cloaked and ‘e did not ‘ear me, of course, so ‘e continued talking quietly as I passed. Once Demo came close ‘e paused until ‘e was left alone once again. Hm? Oh, he told ze story with surprising accuracy; if ‘e would only pay attention zen ‘e might be less of an annoying child. Alas, the folly of youth. Ze overall impression ‘e took away was zat it was weird but also, in ‘is words, ‘ot. And telling zis to ze soldier ‘e ‘ad killed seemed to slake ‘is need to babble about everyzing to everyone. ‘E ‘as made no mention to any of ze others.

Oui, I am sure. Do you not trust my judgment at all? The boy is obnoxious, but ‘e is also marginally self-aware. I confirmed zis in our recent friendly chat. If ‘e outed us to ze others zen odds are zey would not believe ‘im any’ow, and even if zey did if I pressed on ‘ow ‘e learned zis zen ‘e would give ‘imself away as well. Mutually ensured destruction. ‘E said zat ‘e already knew zis and added zat ‘e was offended zat I thought ‘e would turn us in. I zink ‘e may ‘ave a bit of a brotherhood complex when it comes to other queer men. ‘Elpful to us, at least, as ‘e won’t be likely to turn on us if ‘e feels it would be a betrayal.

Hmm? No, zis part of ze conversation did not take long. Why did it take so long? Because ze rest of ze conversation was not done.

Ze boy finally stated ‘is intentions all at once. While annoying it is admittedly impressive ‘ow many words ‘e can fit into a single breath. Once I translated into reasonable English—’ow is it zat _Soldier_ is ze clearest speaking of ze Americans?—I was left with ze request zat I ‘tell ‘im some shit’ about ‘zat faggoty stuff’. Hm? Oh, I may ‘ave offered a few tips at a later date at ze time of ze original discovery.

Remove zat grin from your face or I will remove it for you. You do not possess any such power and I am incensed zat you believe you can reduce me to ‘mush’. What does zis even mean?

 _In any case_ , after consideration for ze absurdity of it all I decided to reward ze boy’s discretion with a little information. Not about _us_ , fool. Besides, ‘e already ‘ad an eyeful of zis, no? Given ‘ow ‘e could not look either of us without blushing for quite some time. I do not think ‘e spent any of ze time in zat crate staring at ze boards. Just terrify ze boy tomorrow by letting ‘im know zat you know, if you are so insulted by ‘is interest in ze mechanics of ‘omosexual sex.

In any case, I did not know ze boy was capable of zis level of foresight. Admitting zat ‘e knows nozzing and zen appealing to a more knowledgeable source—I would like to encourage zis behavior. Remember when ze boy first arrived and after ze traditional welcome from Engineer and ze traditional screaming from Soldier ‘e was turned over to me for instruction on what to do when ‘e was inside ze enemy base? Ze fool scoffed at ze idea of learning anything from a... what was ‘is insult? Somezing floral, was it? Ah, yes, ‘pansy-ass fucker’. Zen ze first time ‘e made it within sight of ze intelligence ‘e came back empty ‘anded and with a leg like a sieve. Perhaps spending quality time with Medic, a pair of tweezers, and no anesthesia drove ze point ‘ome zat ‘e should consider listening to ze more experienced members of ze team.

I ‘ave _not_ gone soft on ze annoying boy. As I said I wished to encourage ‘is marginally less annoying behavior. Besides, ‘owever annoying ‘e is ‘e doesn’t deserve to go into ‘ze kind of queer-ass sex ‘e saw in ze storeroom’ without knowing ‘ow to avoid serious injury. I saw zat wince, do not deny zat it would not ‘ave been preferable to know. In any case, I only gave him ze basic overview. ‘E accused me of making sex boring. Naturally, I was insulted, and pointed out zat ‘e did not think it was so boring when ‘e caught us. ‘E did not ‘ave much to say about zat but ‘e did turn an interesting shade of pink. We may be able to train ‘im to ‘old ‘is tongue after all.

Hm? What do you mean, by ‘I will ‘old your—oh. Mmm... _oh_... hmph. It serves you right to sit through—mm—ze story of Scout’s sexual education. Oui. I disagree. I will believe zat you can shut me up when I see it ‘appen.

Replaying what ‘e saw, hmm? Now _zat_ is an interesting idea.


End file.
